A wee bit of bitching and complaining

Well, I finally realized what the deal breaker is here in Bulgaria and why I likely wont stay another year. Dont get me wrong, there are many reasons to stay and many why I wont, but putting aside the fact that I want to be in the UK with S, or that its hard to make friends here, or that the houses are cold and damp and and and... I get paid squat here! I make 35% of my salary in Korea after taxes, yet work twice the hours and when you really look at it, anything worth having is the same price here as most other places.

Take for example the 2 things I really wanted to purchase by the end of the year; a Mac mini, and the cradle speaker set for my iPod. Both these things are manufactured abroad and imported at full prices, therefore totally out of my price range. Yet people drive Audis, BMW and Mercedes here. How do they do it? Why am I not able to do it? Not that I want any of those cars- actually I want a Volvo, but a scooter will do. I cant even afford a scooter. Its nuts really. Just nuts, and I am starting to resent this.

No more comments

Incidentally I got sick and tired of people advertising their sites and businesses on my blog so I have done away with the comments section. I will likely reactivate it at some point, but if you really have something to say, email me and I will post it myself.

Letters to Oscar can also be directed to me.

Sunday

Not a whole lot to say. Maybe I should do one of those silly lists people do. Hey why not?

What did I do today? Made a test, did a load of laundry, wrote a few emails, hung out a bit with Detelina and Brent.

What did I do last night? Had dinner out, went to the internet cafe to chat on Yahoo with my man in Manchester, and went to a gathering at the Hebrew teachers house.

And the rest of the night? Have tandoori chicken marinating, rice soaking, an empty glass of club soda with lemon (yes even the ice is gone), and am waiting for a) B&D to come home so we can cook and eat, and b) S to contact me and let me know if we are to chat tonight.

What am I wearing? A "sky blue" (as they used to say in Korea, and in fact probably still do say) t-shirt I bought in Athens this summer, my black Jeans, and ruby red slippers which are nothing like what you think.

What am I reading these days? Margaret Atwoods' Oryx and Crake

What am I listening to? Oscar snoring and the front door opening. They must be home :) nope. false alarm.

My biggest accomplishment today? Writing a sweet little essay about being a strong little ant.

Wish I hadnt .....Wish I hadnt eaten that Bounty bar in my purse. I want it now.

Problems? UGH! A cheating student writing me evil emails whining and complaining that I am accusing him of things he didnt do, then saying in the same email that he only did it three times.

Joys? MOM'S COMING IN 5 DAYS. YAY, and I am going to Manchester for Christmas.

Wishes? I wish I could talk to my dad once in a while but cant hear him on the phone.

AND I WISH THEY'D GIVE S A DAMN VISA FOR BULGARIA!

Well, Im going to go cook now. Mom popped into Yahoo but now she is gone again. Wanted to chat with her a bit. Oh well.

Brent is a Turkey....

...cooking machine!

I thought only my mom knew the secret to a good turkey, but Brent has done us proud.

Actually I was supposed to cook the bird, but I had to go to yet another parent-teacher night for the 9th graders this time, and he was left with the enormous responsibility. It wasnt that enormous, just 3.5 kilos.

He came through with flying colours, and cooked the turkey perfectly, made mashed potatoes, grilled veggies with the turkey, and I added my moms touch of the orange gravy sauce. It was all recieved brilliantly and he treated his co-workers to a magnificent all-American thanksgiving dinner. We ate too much, including Oscar and Albena, my teaching partner baked a pumpkin filo concoction that more than made up for the lack of pumpkin pie.

All in all it was a delicious evening. And a good start to the weekend.

Today was 15 degrees, all the snow has melted and it was brilliant and sunny, so I played tourist in Turnovo, and shot 4 rolls of film on my Hassleblad (12 shots a roll so not too much). I bought a beautiful hand made tea pot, a toaster (cause mom is coming and she likes her toast for breakfast) and a little camping gas burner so I can make coffee quickly. This I learned from my friend Caroline in Athens who does the same to make coffee. Oscar also got 2 very long walks in the park. And I got to nap afterwards.

I just had an OK dinner with Brent and Dettelina, which scalded me at the "Geriatric" restaurant as Dettelina calls it. They have a dish called The Oscar. I have had it before actually. Not bad, but I prefer my Oscar.

Tomorrow wont be so fun. I have a mountain of marking to do AND I have to make a test for the upper-intermediates for Monday. Ohhh the life of a teacher.

My Certificate arrived

I FINALLY got my CELTA certificate from the course I did last summer. We were told at the school that the most we should expect was a "pass" that we had to do something spectacular to get a B, let alone an A.

For a while there I was worried if I would even get a pass. It was a rough start. But today I opened the certificate and lo and behold I had a B!!!! I screamed, much to the surprise of everyone around me. I have to say, I am very pleased.

I guess the 12 hour days of studying paid off. Overall this has been a good week for my teaching career. I not only got the biggest compliment from the Director of the school, but many students have said I'm the best teacher they have even had (though that is more a popularity thing than ab=n actuall quality of teching thing), and now this.

I deserve a pat on the back! (patting!) ;)

TGIF!

Well I have deliberately made an easy day for myself. Not only did my 8th graders get to eat their cake (but not have it) but I have a movie for the 9th graders. It is a hard movie to watch as I did that already last night as I had to make comprehension questions. However, Hotel Rwanda is an important film and though it may be deemed a bit gory for them, they need to know. I would recommend it to anyone interested in history, recent as it maybe. Its a good example of how the west can just turn its back on obvious genocide when there is nothing to gain from the nation in question!

...2 hours later.

Well, as I discovered, I like slow films. Hotel Rwanda is a very slow moving film by the standards of teens today so they did get fidgetty, but they did like it and want to see the end on Monday. I have a couple of history fanatics in my class so they were right into it. But it IS a slow paced film.

Tonight is turkey night. Brent is going to end up cooking it (God help us. Its his first try at it- his first try at real cooking in fact) since I will be stuck here in school for yet another parents meeting. Grade niners this time and I will have much fewer nice things to say about them- thats for sure! Can one really say "Your kid is a pain in the ass!" to a parent? I wonder.

Off to the police station again to apply for my resident card. This will also give me multiple entry on my D visa which I picked up on Monday. Without it I will have to spend Christmas here, and that is just not an option. I have a very important man waiting for me in England.

Well, I have to go and cut up my mug shots (I really do look like I need a number running at the bottom of these last portrairs I took at the photo shop), and prep for Monday.

Off to Plovdiv tomorrow.

Let them eat cake

Well, I told my intermediate class a month and a half ago that if they did their homeowrk for an entire month, I would have a surprise for them. Tomorrow is the one month marker (they goofed up a couple of times) and so I went and bought them a cake. It is beautiful, delicious and about as heavy as Oscar.

As I walked back to school, cake in hand, my director Peter spotted me. He asked me what it was and why I had it and I explained to him what the situation was. He said "I wish I had a teacher like you!" THIS coming from our director is the utmost compliment! He is a very together man.; an extremely efficient director and an amazing teacher as well. I admire this man immensely, and I was grinning ear to ear. I said "It's the cake isnt it?" And he said "No, it's the attitude!"

Well I will be grinning ear to ear for a few more hours over this one.

Peter also lent me his laptop so that I can watch Hotel Rowanda tonight at home which I have rented for the grade 9s, and I need to make comprehension questions etc. I get to watch a good movie tonight. I am SO thrilled! FRANCO WE WERE SUPPOSED TO WATCH IT TOGETHER.

The PA is playing Jingle Bells. WHY WHY WHY????? I think I am going to lose my piece of cake (Oh yes, Petya and I sat down and tried a piece before buying the entire cake since they had 2 there.)

Thursday, one of my hardest days and yet all in all a good one today. And TGIF tomorrow and I get to have a party with the intermediates and watch a film with the grade nines and then have thanksgiving dinner with my co-workers.

Mom I need cooking instructions for a 3.5 kilo turkey!!!

Ss response to Oscars blog entry

Oscar man, don't I know the feeling? You got to the gates of heaven, and man, she didn't let you in. I am sorry, but you that is part of being a male. Not every throw of the dart lands, safely on the target!!

Your mommy too, likes me to chase her in the snow, and everywhere else, I get snowy and muddy too. Count yourself lucky that she lets you into the shower and washes you and makes you smell"Good". I wish she would do that to me, but hey I am greedy and selfish, when it comes to anything to do with her AND VERY VERY JEALOUS. Haven't asked her about the guy behind the window yet, but I will tonight!

She is a very pleasant mommy, nice, smells good, and looks great too.
And, has a smile to die for.

I want to hug her, when I see her putting her make up on, she doesn't use much. Exactly how I like it. But man she looks attractive and makes me stand on my hind legs!!!

She is small and petite, but man, she is fiesty and fiery. Incredibly sensative and with eyes that look at me and take me away somewhere that feels very warm and cozy and comfy, I don't really want to come back from there. But have to be a good boy, just like you and behave.

Just like you hoping to see Betty, I hope to see your mommy, if I don't piss her off any more, I might just get lucky.

I too will keep my paws crossed and try to be patient.

I love your mommy very much, and miss breathing the same air as her.

She has planning to do, to get both of you here.
It's serious, and I will have to let her do it and be patient.

It's hard but I will do it because I know, just like you do, that good things come to good boys, eventually.

Hug and kiss and lick your mommy for me.
She is an amazing mom, isn't she.

Oscars first blog entry

Monday was a bad day for me :( Mommy had to go to some other country for some papers I dont understand anything about, so once again I had a mini walk at 6 am while it was still dark and so so cold out. I hate my little Korean boots but I wish my mommy had put them on that morning because my delicate paw pads were burning from the cold. In a way I welcomed the short walk. I peed and pooed at record speed and didnt resist going home.

So I hung out and did what I always do. I thought about busy schedule of napping and eating, and sniffing about. It was am exhausting morning.

Fortunately mommy came home while it was still light. She doesnt do that any more. Something funky happened with the time so now its dark when she gets home. I have both my walks in the dark now. All my walks in fact. But that day mommy came home early and we went to the park.


I like the park. There are so so many doggie smells that I spend a lot of time sniffing, and mommy stands around patiently while I sniff and tinkle my two drops of wee wee here and there.


That day there was a far better smell though. I smelled a girlie pooch who smelled "ready to go" OH how exciting!!!! I could finally find out what it was all about. I chased her. We did the dance and play that guys have to endure and get out of the way before getting to the real stuff. She seemed to like me. I liked her. There was fresh snow on the ground. We were all set. ALL SET!!!


I complimented her on her hair and smell (though she stank, coz she is a street dog) and then I stuck my head between her legs. I started licking, which seemed to go over well. I dont really know what I am doing after all. Somehow this was just second nature. It just came to me and I went with it. Then I felt I should get on top. After all arent boys supposed to do this? She was sitting on the ground, and I though "OK, Here's my chance at bliss" but then just as I got into position, she slipped away from under me. Like a bar of soap!! I gave it the good old college try, sixteen or seventeen times, but it was always the same. I had heard girls paly hard to get, but this was ridiculous. I was covered in snow, it was caked and stuck in my fur, and my privates were freezing!! Why couldnt she just let me have what I wanted? I was so confused.


Each time my mom would drag me away, she would run after us. I mean what did she want from me? My mom had been oh so patient waiting for me to woo my girl, but we were both freezing. I looked at mommy and her nose was beet red!


Finally my mommy snapped. She spoke the dreaded words I hate to hear; "Ok, Oscar. Its time to go home". I said "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO" and she heard it, becasue she has never heard me object like that. But she persisted; "Oscar Bosker, she isnt going to give in today, and its very cold. We need to head back" and with this she bent down and scooped up my snow covered little ass, and carried me home. I cried ALL the way home. To come THIS close and not get "there" is painful indeed to a man, but so much more so when its your first time. The only saving grace is that I dont yet know what I missed.


Betty, yes, that is her name as I found out, followed us home. She kept jumping on mom hoping she would drop me and we could resume our dance, but she didnt. We went home and she tied me to the chair leg, and went back out with a bowl of food for Betty.


I felt cheated, and frustrated. I have never felt those feelings before, but if that is what having a girlfriend is about, I'll pass! I thought that was bad, but it got worse.


Mom took me into thte bathroom. That is always bad news!! We showered together and I didnt like it one bit, I tell you. Its cold in there and I hate getting wet. I hate that doggie shampoo which makes me smell so "Good" but I had to do as mom wanted. I was covered in snow, mud and the funky odor from Betty. Now THAT is a good smell. Ahhhh I will remember it forever.

The night got progressively worse. Not only did I have to endure a hair trim, my second most hated thing in the world, the blowdryer, but I guess the excitement of Betty was too much for me, because I threw up in the evening. I mean, how much worse can it get?


But my mom wiped my face, and hugged me till I fell asleep. She is good to me. I am such a lucky pooch. Maybe we can meet Betty again some day. She knows where we live. All I can do is keep my paws crossed and hope for the best.

Sofia and last trip to Romania

Well I got my type D visa. These thigns are so cumbersome here. But we have it and I think we are safe now. Contrary to what I believed, it is not a permanent stay one but a 90 days in six months, and can be extended for 6 months. Then what? ME NOT KNOW!

Had to spend the day in a car again with Dr. J knowing that he is a hairs breath away from being fired. Anyone know a literature teacher? That is the ONLY reason he is still here. He has done so much to piss so many people off! Latest: He walked into a girls hotel room and began telling her off becasue she was being too noisy. He lives in the hotel we use as a dorm for the studetns and he is pissing people off left right AND centre. He calls his students stupid and ignorant and so now, even if the students lie, no one is going to believe him. He really is completely ignorant!

Changer le disque as Garineh used to say.

Sofia was COLD! I woke up late Saturday and missed the 11am bus. Took the 2 pm one and got into town after 5, after dark! The country is covered in snow and it was beautiful but slow getting out there. Turnovo isnt nearly as cold though and I like walking here.

I miraculously found my way from the bus station to the bar where I was supposed to meet Petya and Elka, 2 of my former students from my school in Sofia. I had a great night with them drinking Mavrud (my new favorite wine) and eating REAL Chinese food.

We then went to a "party"! It was mostly Americans, some of whom were "scholars" and one lady in her 50s who was there with her husband and kids who was a professor of some sort. She spent the night gossipping about others and made me dislike her more by the minute. As she left, she siad "Nice to meet you" and I cannot lie so I said "Thank-you". You should have seen the look on her face! I'm sure its more for her gossip databank.

This got me thinking (of course) about people and education. No one can teach you manners but your mom. No one can teach you common sense but life. How do people go through life not getting this experience? Were they raised by wolves? I dare say wolves have more common sense than most of the people in high academia. My sister and the few friends she has are well rounded enough. What is wrong with the American education system? My experience with the people who lack this common sense and courteousness seem to all come from that part of the world. What is it about THAT part of the world? Open question here folks. Comment away!

As an aside and an AHA! Dr. J studies at Penn state! Says a lot and proves my theory even more.

Off to lunch with Petya.

the man outside my window

Last Tuesday I was puttering about my apartment in the morning since my first calss is at 10 and I leave at 9, when I looked up and a man was just outside my window. He scared the crap out of me! I jumped, he jumped then we both had a laugh.

Who was he? A guy building a wall in place of our gate to stop people staring in. Ironic when you think about it. They have been working for days but each day I was leaving before they got there so I hadnt bumped inot them.

Anyway, after this I was extremely aware that I was living in a fishbowl. That if anyone wanted to they could watch my life. So the curtains are always drawn now. Too bad too coz I like the light.

Parent-Teacher meeting

Incidentally this is my 70th blog on this site.

Im back at school. I have to attend the above mentioned meeting. Joy and enthusiasm is overflowing out of every pore! I am in a foul foul mood due to the fact that S isnt here. I havent been able to shake it ALL day. I am resenting all diplomats (Sorry Maria and Harry) but this is really BS! So I wonder how this lovely meeting will go.

Retrograde seems to keep going in my life as I now have no internet. My landlord on the same server does have internet but mine is dead! Dont know what to do but I am going away tomorrow to Sofia so I dont actually care much right now.

I am sitting at the Deputy Directors desk and she has REM playing on her Media Player. Even THIS isnt cutting it. They are pretty morose to beging with. I told her as long as there was REM playing, I wasnt going to move from her desk. Im listening to Disappear right now. (Just as a funny aside, her login name is AssDirector; she thinks its a hoot)

My sister forgot to call me last night. I am feeling mildly neglected. NO GUILT JACKIE! Kidding. Actually I was SO drained and still am, that I fell asleep and was dead to the world fairly early, though it didnt entirely do the trick. Ihave heard that the Premiere Hotel has a whilpool and sauna. I am going to look into that next week.

I just went home and walked OscarCho since he will have to wait till about 9 for me to leave school. At least I can do these things here. Its not too bad.

WOW, TWO boring blogs in one day. I better stop before I start losing my readers.

Trying not to think about it...

...but honestly, I am not being successful!! I was supposed to be with my sweetie today, returning from having met him in Sofia last night. Instead, I suffered a pretty bad headache last night (hmmmmm, wonder why?) and went to bed at 10. Not the evening I thought I would be spending. And today, no matter what I do, I cannot raise my spirits.

I know this is against everything Glasser says and I should be choosing not to let this bother me, but lets face it, this is an impossibility for most easterners, let alone Armenians. We are not cool cucumbers, nor do we want to be. I am not interested in controling my emotions to such an extent that I walk around with a perma-smile which comes from nothing but a lack of feeling. I would rather have those highs and the lows, extreme as they might be. Its all I have known after all.

The next high, will come on the 22nd of December. Eventhough we close for holidays on the 24th, I have managed to get off a few days earlier and return 2 days later. I didnt have much choice in the matter, since Bulgarian air only flies on Thursdays and Sundays and Dec. 25th and the first of Jan. are both days they do not fly, so my director agreed to let give me a couple of extra dyas. So I leave on Thursday the 22nd for Manchester and return on the 5th of January. I guess this makes up for some of it. Not all, but I'll take it at this point.

It will be very strange indeed celebrating Christmas for once. The last 2 years I havent really becasue we got A DAY off in Korea. First year, Allison made a Christmas feast to die for, including the most beautiful paper snowflakes I have ever seen. But the next year I was in Thailand and as beautiful as it was, it didnt taste like Christmas to me. I wasnt having the best time and then the Tsunami hit the next day. We werent there of course but we saw a lot of it in Bangkok.

I am heading to Sofia tomorrow to see a couple of friends. I might stay the night, but am not sure. I am tired but have promised Petya (a different one) that I will go to see her, and I do miss her. I was supposed to see her on my way back from Manchester but her grandmother has broken a hip and she is playing nurse. So there will be no dancing as she needs to be home at 10pm. I may as well head back that night. Less stuff to pack.

This blog is boring! I'm going to go read the last 4 essays I have to mark, and then go home to walk Oscar-cho. We have parents meeting tonight so I will be back here till God knows when. My man is writing his naturalization test as we speak in Manchester and should have his passport by summer. We were talking about going to Peru. I want to see it very badly. Its time I think.

Speaking of time, time to get to work.

My short little jaunt to school etc.

Like a good girl I listened to my mom.

I took a taxi every day last week becasue I was sick. I didnt want to walk the 15 minute walk and breathe in the cold air. Last thing I needed was a sinus infection.

I am fine now, more or less, and I walked yesterday and today. What I had forgotten was how observant I get at that time in the morning especially with my headset on.

So out of my walk yesterday morning a very important question has arisen; Why do old men dye their moustaches? Who do they think they are kidding? ESPECIALLY when they have snow whilte hair!!

I also realized that cars in fact speed up when they come to a crosswalk. Is this Bulgarian road rage? or do they just want to scare the bejeeezuz out of pedestrians? The odd car does stop though.

Yesterday I had no voice. It made for an interesting day. I am almost 100% today, and this was recieved with applause much to my embarrassment. So yesterday I had them write essays again. They really are brilliant. I need to have a couple of them type them out so I can post them here. Ava, the girl who wrote about Voice last time (I joked with her that she could write about NO voice this time, given my condition yesterday) wrote a piece called "Fly chicken Fly!!" which turned out not to be about our flu-riddent friends but about courage and taking flight. Brilliant girl. I do hope she becomes a writer.

So after putting my students trought the grueling exercise of pouring their hearts out to me in 30 minutes flat, they demanded I write something. I siad I write every day on my blog, and they wanted the address. NO WAY was my answer, so they begged and peladed for an entry. I, in a very brave moment printed out Grief and had a good student read it.

I was very pleasantly surprised! Not only were they totally absorbed, but they were totally silent for a while and then applauded. They asked pertinent questions and asked for copies. Then at the end of the class a few came and hugged me and said they were glad I shared that with them. Who would have thought. Teenagers. They get you every time!

In my next class one student asked me why I hadnt graded their last essays. Now when I was a student, I would spend hours on essays. I was unsure of my English skills so I would just KILL myself. Maybe that made them too contrived, but I remember time and time again handing something in, with shaky hands, hoping I had accomplished my aim, only to get back a 60 or 70. Now I ask you this; WHO DIED AND MADE MR. GIBSON A WRITING EXPERT??

So my answer to Ivan was; Who am I to judge your writing? I can correct your spelling and make suggestions on how to express yourself better, but who givesme the right to say "This pice of writing, from your heart, is only worth 65%?" And Ivan threw up his hand and said "YES! You are the FIRST teacher to ever say this! You are right!"

And I said "Of course I am right!!"

When I told my honey this, he said "You are not a teacher. You are a guide. They will remember you forever, and you have probably changed some of their lives forever."

Every teacher wants that. At least those who do this job for the right reasons. Its funny that I fell into this but I seem to be doing OK. I have two people to thank for that; My mom who always tried to answer my unending questions (even when she would say "You dont have to know everything") and of course Philip. I'm blowing you both kisses.

So Nice

As I told my love, I used to think this was a silly little song till I met him.


"So Nice" by Gilberto Bebel

Someone to hold me tight
That would be very nice
Someone to love me right
That would be very nice
Someone to understand
Each little dream in me
Someone to take my hand
To be a team with me

So nice, life would be so nice
If one day I'd find
Someone who would take my hand
And samba through life with me

Someone to cling to me
Stay with me right or wrong
Someone to sing to me
Some little samba song
Someone to take my heart
And give his heart to me
Someone who's ready to
Give love a start with me

Oh yes, that would be so nice
I could see you and me, that would be nice
______________________________

I CAN see you and me. And it is nice!

Sleepy Sunday

I think I have finally caught up on sleep. I have slept almost as much as Oscar in the last 24 hours. I got up at a decent hour, after having a one hour conversation with my honey last night that I think has changed my life (for the better). I had the biggest grin on my face. Being in love is a lovely thing.

I spent a highly stressful morning having tea in bed, and readng "The Blind Assassin" by Margaret Atwood. My favorite writer, a Canadian and the only person I was at a loss for words with. I bumped into her on the Bloor Danforth line, west of St. George (she got off there) and I was a mumbling idiot. I know those of you who know me, think this impossible but I truly was. I mean I thought here is the woman I want to write like. Nothing I say will be eloquent in her world. She was very kind and patient eventhough I couldnt get two words out. I was truly nervous talking to her.

Here is a quote from her book I found very relevant and in keeping with my entry last weekend entitled "Life or some thing like it". Here it is "When you're young you think everything you do is disposable. You move from now to now, crumpling time up in your hands, tossing it away. You're your own speeding car. You think you can get rid of things, and of people too- leave them behind. You dont yet know about the habit they have, of coming back".

At this rate I'll be done soon. Fortunately I have spotted another of her books in our library.

After reading about 2 hours and enjoying numerous cups of Ahmad tea, Oscar and I had another 2 hour nap. A delicious nap as Philip Stanbury used to say. Currently Mr. O is on my lap, stinking to high heaven and making typing very hard. Time to wash his face. He hates that. He is very furry! And very ripe.

not looking good

Well the pink monitor I have been using here at home is about to bite the dust. I can feel it. If this does in fact happen, I am SOL for about three weeks till my laptop arrives. This royally bites as I depend on this to speak to my family and my sweetheart daily.

Honey keep your fingers crossed!!!!

Not to mention I did some funky thing and now my toolbar at the top has vanished into a thin strip and I dont know how to get it back. SOMEBODY HELP! Allison? Jackie????

I love The National Geographic channel and have in fact been watching it all day while rearranging my furniture yet again. I have to say the place looks way more homey now, though I really wish I had a big mirror and a vanity. VANITY!

I saw a programme on recycling today- as many of you know, my favorite topic. In San Paulo Brazil, they recycle cans. 9000000 a day in fact. And I heard that recycling ONE can saves enough electricity to run a 100 watt light bulb for 20 hours. Can you believe this? Also the whole recycling programme there has given thousands of residents jobs who were begging. It has also cleaned up a neighboring town which was near the dump, and had a 20% a year rise in cancer not to mention birth defects and still borns due to the pollution. They turned the bulding where garbage was being turned into fertilizer, into an arts studio where the children of these same street people now spend their spare time making art out of discarded reusable material.

WHEN IS THE NEXT FLIGHT TO SAN PAULO??? (Jus tkidding, I AM heading to Manchester)

God I would love to do something like that here. But it did say that without money none of that would have been possible. Of course it has paid for itself ten fold but that kind of money just aint kicking arounf Bulgaria.

Then I watched the English Patient and cried again. I have seen that film about 17 times now and it never fails. NEVER!

I think I might head out to a co-workers party this evening. I am spending far too much time with just the furry man.

They love me, they do love me (Part II)

I just got in from a walk with Oscar. Im still recovering from the staff meeting. I dont know which is worse? Not being asked to attend the meetings, like in Korea, and having NO idea what is going on, or being present at them and not wanting to know what is going on. The jury of one (MOI) is still out on that one.

I went out to call my friend Frank. I hadnt spoken to him for weeks. Its amazing how you just fall back into comfort zone immediately once you have made that connection. I miss him, and a whole bunch of other people, and am starting to wonder how long I can keep this up. That is not what this blog is about though.

Oscar came for a visit to the internet phone place. He likes it there because they play with him while I chat on the phone. Today he even got treats. Kebob I think it was. The drawback is that we both end up smelling like smoke there because all three employees have a cigarete permanently affixed to their jaws. I am not sure why there needs to be three people there, smoking 24-7 because there are only three phone booths to man!

REGARDLESS! On my walk back home, I bumped into three of my favorite sudents. You will never meet them and they will never read this so I can name then for my own future reference. Eliza, graceful, self assured and by far the most intelligent female in the bunch, Mila, bleach blond, buck toothed and the chatterbox, and Dilyara the venus-like goddess who is often in another dimension, but a nice kid and a good writer none the less.

They love Oscar! And when they saw us, they went ape-shit! We stood and talked a while. They were going out dancing and asked me to go along. Right! We chatted and chatted and Dilyara told me that I take very good care of Oscar. I said I dont feel as if I do because he is alone so much of the day. Her answer was "Are you kidding? You take better care of him than most people do of their kids". This was surprising for 2 reasons: One becasue she can see that at the ripe age of 15, and two, because I also was talking about this very same thing not that long ago. Dont know if it means anything but it made me stop and think what she has seen in her life.

Oscar and I have bruchetta in the oven, and water on the boil for a cup of soup. I tried boiling water in the microwave but it burned me real bad. Is it possible that microwaved boiling water is hotter than water boiled in a kettle? The roof of my mouth seems to think so. Anyhow, I am addicted to tomato soup, so I am going go make me a cup now.

TGIF! Im sleeeeeeeeeping in tomorrow.

Bulgarian staff meeting

Each Friday we finish the week with a staff meetig. Usually I am quite involved as I feed off these things and have useful things to contribute. With a character like Dr. Jacob present, I have grown to hate staff meetings, and have fortunately missed the last 2. First time b/c I was en route to Sofia to Manchester, and alst week b/c I was home sick. He isnt here today as he has this eye infection and has been in hospital all week. Ahhhh toooo bad!

Well the meeting has been going on for 70 minutes now and about half of it has been in Bulgarian.

I am going cross eyed!

Add to it the fact that I had to threaten 2 students today, and I am having a shitty shitty day.

Can we say THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY????

I know I can. Please finish this meeting. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

A few little anomolies

Walking around I have noticed a few strange things about Bulgaria. Nothing too drastic, but note-worthy.

They do not have obituaries. So when someone dies, they print a notebook sized sheet with the photo of the decesed, pertinent info (which I cannot read since its in Bulgaria) and post it in the areas where people might know the deceased. Therefore most trees and walls are covered with these. A little depressing to look at actually.

Everybody smokes everywhere including in non smoking areas. But I think I have touched on this one already.

There are no heaters in most homes. In fact, the city is just now starting to put gas lines in all the streets. Until now, and still in my palce, electric heaters are used, which are stupidly expensive to operate. Most have fire places but I am not so lucky. So I have been cold a lot. I wish I was furrier like Oscar!

There are thousands of street cats and dogs, and the city collects the dogs each spring and spays or neuters them. They have been known to get quite aggressive in the winter months and attack people. I only hope Oscar doesnt try to take any on. Brent got bitten by a dog on his way to school a couple of weeks ago. Not really clear what the dog wanted. Brent isnt particularly meaty looking. Good thing I wasnt walking with him that day. I am much more of a meal (no pun intended there).

A lot of people go to church. Apparently its a backlash to the communist control over exercizing your right to religious beliefs. From what I have heard, its just a place for boys to pick up girls.

Every time I go to the market to buy cauliflower, the farmer wants to load me up with three or four heads. I wasnt sure what the problem was. After all most people only have half sized fridges, including myself. Apparently no one here eats cauliflower steamed or any other way. So why would they buy a few heads at a time?? They pickle it, and that is the only way it is consumed here. With Rakia of course!

As you know this town is built on a hill. Its hard to walk up here, especially since there are stone walkways everywhere. The girls however, seem to manoever these steep hills and cobblestone roads in heels. Not just any heels, but spiky heels. I dont know how they keep from breaking their necks to be honest.

There are no dryers thought this is one of the dampest places I have lived.

I will think of more later.

As an aside, the teacher I dont get on with is in the hospital. He still hasnt got his Bulgarian identity card, and so his hospital stay is costing upwards of 200 dollars a day. My boss is super worried since its a hell of a lot of money to be spending on a teacher we would all just as well throw off the nearest cliff. So I had a suggestion which went over very well and is being considered. I siad "ONE properly placed bullet! That's all we need." :)

Hey? Who said I was nice????

"You love me. You DO love me"

Where is that from? I think its a quote making fun of someone accepting the academy awards. Was it Sally Field?

Well the reason I am plagarizing that little bit is because after my entry "Grief" I had numerous rather worried emails. I wasnt trying to alarm anyone folks, but I am touched that so many of you read on religiously and care enough to stop and write a line or two. Feels good to be loved.

BUT I AM FINE!!!! Would be finer if this visa issue hadnt come up, stopping my visitor, but no point beating a dead horse.

Moving right along....

Mercury Retrograde. Who know what the heck this is?

I was told about this anomoly about a year ago by my friend Kim. Dont know if I believe it honestly. I am quite the skeptic when it comes to these things, but here is what I know. For those interested there is plenty online about this with a calendar and so forth.

Apparently Mercury lines up with some other planet to create a strange force field, or something of the sort. This anolomy makes electronics go bonkers. It also makes people suseptible or sensitive to it do strange things, like lock their keys in the car etc. It is advised that you dont consider a new contract or make big decisions around that time.

Well in the last 2 days,my computer has shown numerous errors (Im just waiting for it to explode), my electric heater has konked out, my electric kettle has gone up in smoke, and now this visa thing. I am starting to think there is something to this. Havent checked the calendar but I am willing to bet its Mercury retrograde!

Bad passport. Baaaaaad

Well, it seems that an Iranian passport is officially the shittiest passport to hold. My friend in Manchester was denied a visa to Bulgaria (as if they can be choosy) on the basis of his passport, no other reason given. He purchased a ticket, booked and paid for a hotel, and cannot set foot on Bulgarian soil.

Now what do you say to that? I know what I say to that, but I am far too polite to write it here.

Damn diplomats! That is all I am going to say.

This has officially dampened my mood, not that it was peaking to begin with. Next weekend, I WILL be sitting at home pouting. Its a good thing I went there last weekend.

Damn those diplomats. I said that already.

DAMN!!!!!

Grief

***Take this with a grain of salt folks. I am not suicidal, just really had a lot of time alone to think this weekend***



Do people really die of grief? I know my great grandparents died within days of each other. I have read books where people died of "so called" grief. But is it true?

I remember crying uncontrollably when I was 5 or 6 at the thought of my grandfather dying. He died when I was 16. It was a horrible feeling. Yet here I am. I think of him only fondly now.

I remember thinking I couldnt live without my best friend Karine, and when she died of leukemia at the age of 21, I thought my world had ended too. I walked around in a haze for months. I really didnt know what I was doing. Still, here I am, writing about it matter of factly.

Does everything traumatic end up this way? What makes people able to handle so much grief yet go on with life? I really dont know but I have done it. I have walked away from things I really didnt think I could handle, things I thought would surely break me, and gone on with my life.

I walked in the rain the night I emptied my house, which I shared with my husband, clutching the last bags, glad of the rain on my face masking my tears. My sister driving a fully loaded car next to me urging me to get in. The rain was cleansing really, but still it took years. But it did go away finally, that crippling pain! That hollow feeling!

Sometimes I wonder if I had a picture like the picture of Dorian Gray, would all this be marked on there? Would there be little sores for each trauma, each fight, each death, never to vanish completely? Is that in me somewhere now? If so, I must be knotted inside with all these wounds. So why dont I feel them every day? Maybe its so gradual, that we learn to live with them and dont notice the difference. They just become a part of us.

So when something happens now, a roadblock, a sad day, a disillusioning event I think to myself I have gotten over so much worse. I can handle this too. Sometimes it feels like life is one blow after another with minute glimpses of happiness in between. Why cant it feel like the reverse? Maybe its my black mood. Maybe its that I have been home for 58 hours. Maybe its because so many people who I love are so far away. Or maybe its the thought that I may have to face those blows alone.

Life, or something like it

I have no idea why I just named my blog entry that. Maybe its because living a transient life doesnt seem real to me right now. Yes! In fact for the last three years I think I have been living life waiting for my real life to begin.

I have been forced to take a really hard look at my life and my actions of the last three years recently, and I realized part of me lived life as if there were no consequences. Which is odd because I generally spend a lot of my time considering the consequences of things. Could it be that I was really unhappy? I was for some of that time but perhaps, I was unable to handle that stress. I thought I was, but I did some really uncharacteristic things in Korea. Nothing bad or life threatening, but mildly self-destructive. Fortunately it was for a very short time.

I was also asked why I like it here. I think its because I havent felt the need to do ANY of that here. I feel far more comfortable here, for sure, but I also feel so much more grounded. If I can handle Korea, and walk away with a solid plan and a furry companion, then this should be a breeze and it IS!

Maybe Korea was a test of my will, and a test of character. It certainly was a test on a daily basis. I think people who end up there by default, and not a solid plan are ones who fall into this life of no consequence. Dont get me wrong, Korea can be a very good place to see your plans come to fruition and many of my friends are doing exactly that. I was fortunate enough to at least come in contact and choose really solid people as my core group of friends. They were people with a plan and Korea was a means to an end. Unfortunately in my mind as it stands, that is ALL Korea is good for. When I got there I was too unfocused to put a plan like that into action, and as a result stagnated, but I also grew out of the knowledge that I could handle myself ALONE in a palce so foreign in every way. I may have done some irresponsible things (the least of which was Scooty) but I did find myself again. The "nutter" that I am (my favorite English saying this week).

Wow! This is deep for a Saturday morning. Actually its afternoon now.

I have been thinking why I feel so good here. I mean there isnt much to do in this small town, I make virtually no money, and I have very few friends. Could it be that a place that has fewer social problems just has a relaxing atmosphere? I feel so little stress from the people around me. I felt SO much in Korea. Everyone was wearing a different face all the time. No one was at ease with themselves. I am pretty oblivious sometimes to my own senses, but maybe all that was effecting me,and making me on edge. And not being aware of it,made me unable to handle it peoperly.

Whatever it was, I am glad everything I own has been shipped out of Korea as of today and I never have to go back there again. Let by gones be by gones, and I wont waste time thinking about whys any more. This transient life is better than the last one. And that is good enough for me right now.

Action minded

I have been needing a visit to a doctor for a while. Just feeling drained and so forth, so today I asked Peter, my boss (best boss I have had yet) to refer me to one.

A few minutes later, a knock came at my door. I was 10 minutes into teaching my second class. Peter said he had to have a word with me and said the doctor was going to Sofia till Monday and if it was an emergency, he was willing to wait till I got there. Did I want to go right now? He could arrange a sub, and Elin, our driver and general helper around the school would drive me. I didnt particularly want to wait till Monday as I have been feeling really dizzy and tired lately, and let's face it, I will do anything to escape teaching that particular class, so I accepted.

15 minutes later I was at the doctors office who happens to be fluent in English. He did some tests, asked a bunch of questions and wrote me a perscription. Then he asked me if I needed money to buy them, which to me is an odd question, but still a thoughtful one. I said no, and asked how much it was for the visit. He refused to charge me.

I need to see him on Tuesday again.

So in a manner of 40 minutes, I got it done. And all because I asked the right man. Peter gets things done, which I suppose is why he has the position he has.

Good timing too because I feel so weak that I think I am going to nod off right here and now.

perspective and distance

I have yet to read something from this man which doesn't blow me away! I want to do the Vulcan mind meld with him.

I thought I would share this with you all.

"There are no exact guidelines. There are probably no guidelines at all. The only thing I can recommend at this stage is a sense of humor, an ability to see things in their ridiculous and absurd dimensions, to laugh at others and at ourselves, a sense of irony regarding everything that calls out for parody in this world. In other words, I can only recommend perspective and distance. Awareness of all the most dangerous kinds of vanity, both in others and in ourselves. A good mind. A modest certainty about the meaning of things. Gratitude for the gift of life and the courage to take responsibility for it. Vigilance of spirit." (Havel upon receiving the Open Society Prize awarded by the Central European University in 1999, trans. by Paul Wilson)

Sharing

Well, I brought an inordinate amount of chocolate back with me, not the least of which was my favorite; Terrys orange chocolate. I had two at home, one milk chocolate and one dark chocolate, and I decided to share one with my 8 graders. I made a big production of wacking it on my desk, before unwrapping it, and the kids went mad. Small things make them happy too I guess. Sharing makes me happy, and so we had a fun break breaking the orange. They thought it was quite the novelty!

Back in one piece

Nothing like 4 days away to rejuvinate you. I am not even tired! Eventhough I hardly slept all weekend, and was in transit all day yesterday. Fortunately I had a short day today and teaching ended at 11:25. Now I have marking to do but that is low stress.

So I went and visited Manchester. I wasnt actually in town but a smaller suburb. I saw the bad parts too, through a car window of course, but next to "the projects" in Toronto it still looked picturesque.

Life is so damn expensive in England though! 108 CAD was 45 pounds, which I spent all in one place practically, buying photographic chemicals, so I will finally process the B&W from Italy from last summer. I went to Sainsburrys, and bought a few little things, doing mental calculations not only with Bulgaria but with Canada and Korea as well. Can't help it when you are a world traveler. My pay here in Bulgaria really wouldnt go too far anywhere else and this makes me sad. I like it here, but if I want to put anything away for a rainy day, it will have to be for rainy days in Bulgaria, as it wouldnt amount to much elsewhere. Maybe a rainy hour at best in England.

I met my "friend" and through talking and talking discovered a lot about him, and rediscovered a few things about myself. **I like that! You get to know yourself all over again when you get to know someone new. Things surface, burried so deep that it takes fresh eyes to draw them out, and not just any fresh eyes, but preceptives ones digging through the shell to get to your true inner core. Mine happens to be a very soft inner core (too soft soemtimes), so sometimes I feel an extra hard shell is necessary. Only select few can crack that open. I learned the difference between letting someone into your life, your heart and your soul. If I decide to give all three to a man, then it means thats it! Look no further.

Something else I learned about myself was that when I do crack open the shell, it acts like a clam. It wants to shut right back again, and its an even greater effort to keep it from springing back, than it was to open it in the first place. Fighting a knee-jerk reaction takes a great deal of strength- its natural after all! But I am working on it. And as the wise saying goes; If it doesnt kill you, it will only make you stronger. I havent had to practice any of this in a awful long time and the pitfalls have become covered with the moss of time, as tends to happen with my memory. I have to be extra alert or else I will end up neck deep in a hole I dug myself years ago!