Life, or something like it

I have no idea why I just named my blog entry that. Maybe its because living a transient life doesnt seem real to me right now. Yes! In fact for the last three years I think I have been living life waiting for my real life to begin.

I have been forced to take a really hard look at my life and my actions of the last three years recently, and I realized part of me lived life as if there were no consequences. Which is odd because I generally spend a lot of my time considering the consequences of things. Could it be that I was really unhappy? I was for some of that time but perhaps, I was unable to handle that stress. I thought I was, but I did some really uncharacteristic things in Korea. Nothing bad or life threatening, but mildly self-destructive. Fortunately it was for a very short time.

I was also asked why I like it here. I think its because I havent felt the need to do ANY of that here. I feel far more comfortable here, for sure, but I also feel so much more grounded. If I can handle Korea, and walk away with a solid plan and a furry companion, then this should be a breeze and it IS!

Maybe Korea was a test of my will, and a test of character. It certainly was a test on a daily basis. I think people who end up there by default, and not a solid plan are ones who fall into this life of no consequence. Dont get me wrong, Korea can be a very good place to see your plans come to fruition and many of my friends are doing exactly that. I was fortunate enough to at least come in contact and choose really solid people as my core group of friends. They were people with a plan and Korea was a means to an end. Unfortunately in my mind as it stands, that is ALL Korea is good for. When I got there I was too unfocused to put a plan like that into action, and as a result stagnated, but I also grew out of the knowledge that I could handle myself ALONE in a palce so foreign in every way. I may have done some irresponsible things (the least of which was Scooty) but I did find myself again. The "nutter" that I am (my favorite English saying this week).

Wow! This is deep for a Saturday morning. Actually its afternoon now.

I have been thinking why I feel so good here. I mean there isnt much to do in this small town, I make virtually no money, and I have very few friends. Could it be that a place that has fewer social problems just has a relaxing atmosphere? I feel so little stress from the people around me. I felt SO much in Korea. Everyone was wearing a different face all the time. No one was at ease with themselves. I am pretty oblivious sometimes to my own senses, but maybe all that was effecting me,and making me on edge. And not being aware of it,made me unable to handle it peoperly.

Whatever it was, I am glad everything I own has been shipped out of Korea as of today and I never have to go back there again. Let by gones be by gones, and I wont waste time thinking about whys any more. This transient life is better than the last one. And that is good enough for me right now.